As you may (or may not) know, in the last 3 weeks I started having 3 months off.
Doing maybe 6 hours per week of work.
While the first week off, I was ‘’pretending’’ I’m on holidays + THEN doing work (about 30 hours)… well, that didn’t work.
I was trying to trick the brain (+ body) into relaxing – that doesn’t work unless I am physically relaxing.
That week I was stressed + unwell + unhappy.
This week. Bliss. Joy. Happiness.
I haven’t had music in my life in a long time.
I remember pop music in my CD player as a teenager.
I remember ‘Soft Moods’ CD + swaying around my flat in early 20’s.
In early 30’s with my cake business I listened to business CD’s and audio books. And my old pop CD’s.
I could (and can) quite comfortable sit in silence. For hours. For days.
Being with myself + in my head never bothered me.
And then I moved in with Hottie Boyfriend. And the scratched CD’s didn’t work. And I didn’t know how ‘young people’ listened to music. So I didn’t bother. I sat in silence and with my own head.
Just last month I went away on a Mastermind Retreat and I learned of Bluetooth to Spotify (free) app.
Less than $20 from Kmart.
Now. Pop music. Soft moods. Rock.
Singing, bopping, smiling dancing, enjoyment. Joy.
I have read + heart about relaxing (calming my farm) with meditation.
And I didn’t ‘get it’.
And finding a meditation to listen to. And a routine. It all went in the ‘’Too Hard’’ Basket.
On my 3 month holiday I planning on reading (a lot) more books + stocked up at the library.
And I powered through 6 books in 1 week. Including ‘Calm’.
I had read meditation books before + thought ‘yeah, that is a good idea, I should do that’ + not do it.
This book had a ‘Calm’ app, with guided meditations. (And soft moods music).
I did it with Hottie Boyfriend’s daughter + started doing daily, before school and before going to bed.
Because SHE was into it, I was more.
And we would remind each other.
And now do daily-ish 10 min meditations.
I really think it helps me relax. To ”calm my farm”.
After spending so much tie being stressed, anxious, unhappy, and panicky.
Starting how to Calm My Farm.
It helps. To Stop. Breathe. Be present.
Hottie Boyfriend is hot.
It feels like a new relationship, the honeymoon period, ya know.
Of a full heart + a touch reaching out to hold hands, or push hair back from fact.
He is always there. ALWAYS.
Watching me. Checking up. Checking in.
‘’Are you happy?’’
‘’Are you okay?’’
Mutual Kindness. Respect. Love.
It’s not rediscovering but a deeper connection (not re-connections, because we didn’t disconnect.)
But rather a relationship, a honeymoon period with US.
Me + him.
With an 8yo daughter, half the time.
A different relationship. A new one.
This is us. Me. Him. (And her).
Everything together. And I love that so hard-core.
This is us. In a new stage of our relationship and we are in the honeymoon phase.
And he is hot.
THINGS I ENJOY
I wrote a list of things I wanted to do on my 3 months off. Of things I enjoy.
- -Gardening (time in garden)
- -Spend time with Hottie Boyfriend
All the things I wanted to do, on holidays when ‘’I have time’’.
Well, now is the time.
Going to the library once per week. Curled up in bed reading a good book (or while sitting in the winters sun).
THE LIST OF THINGS I ENJOY
So do those things is so easy, but so hard.
I kept pushing them to the bottom of the list.
That I ‘’didn’t have time’ or I’ll ‘’get to it later’’.
MAKE the time.
I HAVE the time.
NOW is the time.
For years (and years) we spend so (so) much time + energy on custody stuff.
That enJOYment kept coming off the table.
Something had to come off the table. Because we had too much on it.
And while now legal custody stuff is now OFF the table (finished), what I failed to recognise is parenthood plonked onto our table.
Maybe I thought it would take up less space? No space? I didn’t realise. I didn’t know.
I know it was easy + the hardest thing ever (at the same time), this parenthood thing.
But I failed to call out and see the white elephant in the room.
My friend, Claire did. She said, ‘’You now have a child. You are now a parent. That is big stuff. It is okay that it is big stuff. Allow yourself to recognise this.’’ (Something close to this she said).
Because I don’t refer to myself as a ‘parent’ or ‘step-mother’.
But it is – it is big, important, beautiful stuff.
And guess what, it takes up much of the table.
And things I enjoy fell off the table.
And maybe the habit had formed of allowing enjoyment to fall of the table. Of allowing it to.
I realise the irony of the word ‘ENJOY’. I’ve been searching for joy. Like it has eluded me for a year. I want more joy in my life. Any joy.
Saying + having 3 months off… I think that was about taking excuses off the table.
So the transition of legal custody stuff to parenting.
While stuff changed, at the same time, it didn’t.
I was still unwell. Stressed. Anxious. Panicky. Down. My health and not being okay.
On the table was – parenting. Running businesses. Relationship. Money. Volunteering.
All important. Yes.
But I kept prioritising those OVER my enjoyment.
That I needed to fit in, too.
Because all of the above (ALL of it) comes tumbling down, without me.
If I’m not well, if I’m not okay – the parenting, the businesses, the relationship doesn’t work.
MORAL OF THE STORY
I wasn’t recognising parenting on the table, the form ‘parenting’ takes in our lives + how much space it takes on the table.
And that things I enJOY need to fit, too.
$6157.15 MAY 2018 INCOME REPORT
TOTAL INCOME – $6157.15
CBS – Cake Business School
BBS – Blog Business School
|of TOTAL $6157.15|
|CBS 1-year||$ 426.00||10%||7%|
|CBS recurring||$ 3003.00||77%||48%|
|CBS x $1 trial||$ 37.00||1%||^0%|
|BBS recurring||$ 422.00||10%||6%|
|Cupcake Business In A Box||$ 47||5%||^0%|
|Startup Kit||$ 0||0%||0%|
|Price. Market. Sell||$ 624.00||88%||10%|
|Recipe Book||$ 00||0%||0%|
|AD REVENUE||$ 1109.89||18%|
|Cake Pricing Calculator||$0||00%||0%|
|Ultimate Bundles||$ 0||0%||0%|
|Sponsored package||$ 0.00||100%||0%|
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